TAYLOR ASHLEY BATES
writer • yoga teacher
writer • yoga teacher
After experiencing a stillbirth and three subsequent miscarriages, I know how overwhelming it can feel to find support and community.
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I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on my state of being after a year of loss, grief, and transformation. I feel like I’m finally starting to emerge, like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon.
This past weekend I completed my 200-hour yoga teacher certification with Esther Vexler Yoga School. I started last September and have been meeting with my group of fellow teachers in training almost every other weekend for the last nine months.
An ultrasound confirmed on Tuesday that our little babe stopped growing a few weeks ago. I should have been about 10 weeks pregnant.
I just learned that today is Pregnancy After Loss Awareness Day. In light of this, I thought there’s no better time to announce that I am seven weeks pregnant.
A loved one gave us a small rainbow ornament for Ellis this Christmas. The tag on the ornament described a rainbow as a bridge between heaven and earth.
After the magical day at Enchanted Rock, I started seeing rainbows on a regular basis. It’s like all of the sudden I had on rainbow colored glasses.
In June, a month after Ellis was stillborn, we took him back up to Enchanted Rock. This time, instead of carrying him in my belly, Hunter carried Ellis in a tiny silver urn tucked away in his backpack.
There were no windows in the triage room but unbeknownst to me, a severe thunderstorm was pummeling the ground outside.
I realize I haven’t fully told you the story of Ellis’ rainbows yet. I’ve been writing about them for months now and can’t cull the story down to just one post, so I’ll share a piece every day this week.
Pregnancy is not for the faint of heart. Social media can make it seem like everyone gets pregnant easily and nine months later, voila, healthy baby!
Recently I got together with a dear friend, Sarah Moore, for some 2019 intention setting. We’ve created a little tradition of sharing dreams and setting goals together for many years now, so we came prepared with prompts to help guide us through reflecting on last year and moving into 2019.
Today marks six months since Ellis died. Here are six (of many) things I’ve learned:
Today is Día de los Angelitos, a special day connected with Día de los Muertos to remember children who have died. I’m grateful that such a beautiful tradition was created and I share in it with reverence.
It’s been a week since I left my role at Artpace and I’ve been feeling all kinds of things—nostalgic, mournful, fulfilled, fearful, and excited for a new chapter.
Two people sent me pictures of the same rainbow this evening because it made them think of Ellis. This made my heart swell. I think of him every day.
The sky was on fire tonight in the most beautiful way. I caught a glimpse of it as I pulled out of the parking lot at Artpace after hosting my last public program—I’ve announced that my last day will be October 13.