An ultrasound confirmed on Tuesday that our little babe stopped growing a few weeks ago. I should have been about 10 weeks pregnant. The doctor was really kind and experienced a miscarriage around the same time in one of her pregnancies. She gave us all our options and we chose pills instead of surgery to aid the process along. She assured me that at this gestational age I wouldn’t be able to identify the baby’s remains. I took the pills Tuesday night and it seems like the worst of it is over.

I’m feeling angry and sad but also hopeful. She said we can start trying again right away. It really sucks to lose another baby but we’re also stronger because of Ellis and are comforted by the love and support we have from all of you.

At one point the doctor said, “This isn’t fair,” and I agreed with her. When people said that to us after Ellis died, Hunter and I started to think, “Who would this be fair for? And why should we be immune from suffering?” But now after having a stillborn baby, two chemical pregnancies, and a miscarriage in less than a year, I’m like, “Give us a f*ing break!”

I know my anger will pass, but for now that’s what I feel. I’ve learned over the past year that I’ve got to move through my feelings instead of away from them and that’s where transformation can happen. I also know that God didn’t cause our babies to die, but is here to walk us through it. I know God is hurting too.

A dear friend and fellow loss mama Shannon Pike shared with me three things that she clings to—trust, surrender, and acceptance—things I’m also trying to embrace. I don’t NEED to know why our babies died, but I can accept it. I don’t have to try to control everything. Things won’t always go the way I want them to and that might actually be for the best. I can choose to co-create, with God, beauty in the present moment by opening my eyes to the light surrounding everything, even in the darkness.